 Lake Waco Heartbreaking is not even in the same universe as what I am feeling.
I die every moment of every day. My body convulses and forms a cavity around itself. The howling of a thousand wounded animals echoing out through the night is a whisper compared to the wounded animal within me. Written August 27, 2022
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 Angel of Death: AC-130 Gunship The United States military's AC-130 gunship unloads a payload of missiles that fan out in the shape of angel wings. The Department of Defense says this about their "Angels of Death": They’ve been called Angels of Death: AC-130 gunships. The heavily armed stuff of nightmares for adversaries and the close-air support guardian angels of allies. For decades these titans of the air have dominated battlefields and provided peace of mind for service members on the ground. Over the years these workhorses have found a special place in the annals of military heritage. "The irony of the so-called United States of America using an angelic pattern for its weapon of destruction is not lost on those with professional training in Jewish and Christian scriptures. Whereas the scriptural angels are messengers who bring good news for marginalized, oppressed, colonized, and enslaved persons under various foreign, imperial powers, the “United States” military coopts the scriptural imagery and inverts the meaning of an angelic arrival. The angels of the U.S. military announce impending destruction by a foreign power that seeks to eliminate “threats,” “enemies,” and “terrorists” abroad. The good news of "American freedom" has been heralded round the world by angelic messengers of death. Once angelic messengers proclaimed, “Do not fear.” Today, angels proclaim a message a fear and death to all others. For the so-called United States, innocence and guilt are overlooked; for the shadow of our angels wings cover all "others" indiscriminately.
 Cameron Park River Trail Waco, Texas I wonder what he saw that invited such kindness towards me.
Was it the exposed wound I wore on my face as masked smile? Was it the way I sat down under the weight of a broken reality? Maybe it was my blood shot eyes unable to produce another tear? Only he knows why. All I know is in my drowning a hand plunged into the waters of my grief and held me up to breathe. A grace. A gift. A pure gift. Written August 11, 2022  I spend my days in a mystery Made of flesh and bones Held together by woven fibers And the wetness of life. A Body Mystery Written May 13, 2023 Categories I fight every day to breathe In a world made to suffocate me. Suffocate May 13, 2023 Categories Søren Clementine Palmer Content Notice: Suicide, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, Demons As I sit this morning with my kitten Morrow on my lap and with the birds singing outside, I recall a passage in an ancient text about a man named Saul who had an evil spirit come upon him.[1] To find relief from the evil spirit, Saul listened to David play music from a harp. In a similar manner, as I listen to the birds outside, the demons plaguing my nervous system are exorcised from my body. The demons I face are legion, demons of stress, anxiety, depression, overstimulation, escapism, nihilism, and so forth. Relief, for me, comes in many forms: bird songs, walks along river trails, sitting outdoors in my rocking chair as I watch the pecan tree’s leaves dance in the breeze, or sitting quiet as Søren purrs happily on my chest. Recently, I read an article about the beneficial and calming effects on our nervous systems that walking alongside a body of water can bring.[2] Nature is one of our best therapeutic relationships. For me, birds have been one of my most treasured therapeutic relations. Another therapeutic relationship just climbed up on my chest to say good morning. Søren, my tabby, feline, family member, is happily purring as he grooms the hair on my hand. Like nature teaches, relationships require reciprocity and balance for growth, healing, and thriving to exist. So, I return the love I receive from Soren by scratching his head and cheeks as he smiles and purrs with satisfaction. Søren was one of my first therapeutic relationships, which I acknowledged and recognized as such. I have often wondered if he knows what he’s doing when he lays on me and purrs. Does he know he has helped heal wounds I thought would never mend? Does he know how he has prevented me from dying by suicide? Does he know how he has saved me time and time again from a rising panic attack? Does he know? Regardless, I am grateful this morning for the bird song; rivers, streams, and ocean waves; and for the rhythmic purrs of my feline family member. [1] 1 Samuel 16:23 [2] Bird Song Therapy; Walking in Nature; Walking Beside Bodies of Water Categories |
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